recovering from a cult
So, I haven't been writing much lately. Been focusing on recovery from Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Panic Disorder through Cognitive Behavior Therapy and surviving one more semester. On top of that, this is my least favorite time of the year. Partly because I go back behind the Zion Curtain to visit family. These visits often take a tole on me psychologically and send me whirling into isolation mode. It is the loneliest most isolating place I know. The friendly neighborhood cult is everywhere and I am such an insignificantly minority I feel all alone. Often times these trips into isolation bring back painful memories and I shut my feelings down. I love my family, but I can't relate to them any more, and I feel the self doubt take me over. This times my emotions have been at the surface and I struggle to hide them from my family, which is the only contact I have. They think the way I am around them is who I really am, but they have no idea who I am. I can't open up to them about the anger I feel towards the friendly neighborhood cult and what it has done to me and every one in this god forsaken town.
I've been coping by reading an anxiety and phobia workbook given to me by a friend and working on progressive muscle relaxation and deep breathing exercises. At night instead of going into a negative tape loop of self doubt and deprecation my brain is in CBT mode challenging every negative thought that tries to get through. This has helped me more then anything this time, but I still wish I had some connection to my actual life when I am here. I spend most the time zoning out on television or my brothers PlayStation just to distract my thoughts from the memories and rage I feel towards the friendly neighborhood cult. When my brother is around (and not with his new girl friend) we spend time talking about music or science fiction. Fortunately I have found a way to leave just after new years instead of the usual mid of January. I cannot take it here any longer.
In areas where the Friendly Neighborhood Cult had settled it has a thin vinear of respectability, mostly because it has usurped power and controls a great deal of the government and economy through its followers. However, I no longer can denie that it is a cult. I have been reading about spiritual abuse and cult recovery and a good deal of it applies to my own experiences and the Friendly Neighborhood Cult itself.